2013 was the year of change. I found out I was expecting on January 19th. To say it was planned would be a lie, but to say it was a surprise would also be a lie. I was one of those women, terrified of the commitment motherhood brought, the responsibility and the change.
So, I opened myself up to the possibility. Every month I was nervous of the outcome, envying the selfless woman who whole-heartedly wanted her life to no longer be about herself and her husband.
A year or so later, there I was, looking down at a positive test, calm and quiet. I took a deep breath and said to myself, “Ok, God… this must be what you want.”
In the months that followed, there was contentment in my heart. I believe it was Owen’ personality coming through, because I am typically not a worry-free person. Yes, being pregnant had its challenges and emotional ups and downs, but as the months passed and my belly grew- so did my heart. I was happy and was the most present I have ever been.
On September 20, 2013 at 7:45pm, Owen Lucas left me speechless. My previous desires and plans faded away in the days and long nights that followed. It was a hard few weeks after Owen’s birth. I struggled with a touch of postpartum, feeling anxious and sad. I would cry on queue every night for weeks, knowing the night was not going to bring relief to my tired and healing body.
I found myself praying, more than I ever had. I would be in conversation with God while I rocked my new baby back to sleep during the early morning hours. I would seek His refuge when I would lay in the dark watching Owen’s chest rise and fall, terrified something would happen if I was not vigilant. Putting myself in God’s hands because I didn’t feel I could do it on my own.
Slowly, I felt myself coming back, my fear still present, but not as intense. My confidence grew and I felt capable… I felt new. Life had taken on new meaning. Shifting, redirecting my plan and purpose. Becoming a mother forces me to be better and do better in the areas of life that matter most. The refinement of self that took place and continues to take place after having Owen has been exhausting!
I feel this is the closest to a Godly love I will ever display. Consistently selfless, giving love without expectation or rewards, a love I didn’t have the confidence to believe I was capable of giving. I am thankful for this season, and as challenging as it is, it has opened my eyes to a love and faith I was once blind to. I now live to watch my husband make our son smile. Those silent moments at the end of the day as I rock Owen to sleep and the rushed kisses I give Evan in the morning as we run out the door to work.
2 Corinthians 5:17 has forever been etched onto my heart, “the old has gone, the new has come.” I surrendered myself to God’s plan the day I found out I was expecting, and I know I will continue to do so as I work to be the mother He has called me to be. I know that all things in life are placed there to make us better. The joys and struggles work together to mold our hearts to the Lord’s liking and with grace we can make it through, becoming new again.